Grave Marker Macabre

The following is an ongoing list of imaginary tombstone inscriptions that I have composed. These bits of pseudo-posthumous black humor aren’t intended to offend, but instead try to express some healthy irreverence towards our inevitable demise. So I hope you can find some laughs in these epitaphs…

 

FEELING REALLY BLOATED

 

SO LONG, HAD A BLASTOMA

 

DIED A VIRGIN
GOT LAID HERE

 

DAMN SATANISTS, GET OFF MY LAWN!

 

THIS GRAVE IS ANCIENT
BUT STILL HAS THE BODY OF A FIFTY-YEAR-OLD

 

SIMPLE PROCEDURE, MY ASS

 

THE ONLY MARBLE I’LL NEVER LOSE

 

COCAINE ADDICT
RECEIVED MORTAL BLOW

 

TROUBLE THINKING INSIDE THE BOX

 

OPEN TERRITORY FOR THE CONQUEROR WORM

 

AND STILL YOU ARE WALKING ALL OVER ME

 

REPORTS OF MY DEATH ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED

 

CAN YOU DIG IT?

 

 

THE MORTICIAN TOUCHED ME INAPPROPRIATELY

 

PLOT SPOILER BELOW!

 

OMERTA: I MEANT IT

 

TIRED OF ALL THIS DOWN TIME

 

SO HOW DOES GAME OF THRONES END?

 

UPSKIRT SHOTS:
ALL I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO THESE DAYS

 

DON’T WORRY, THIS PLACE PICKS UP AFTER MIDNIGHT

 

STARVING ARTIST
TOO DEDICATED TO HIS CRAFT

 

SOMEBODY UPDATE MY FACEBOOK STATUS

 

HEY BUDDY, GOT A LIGHT?

 

 

THOUGHT FEMME FATALE
MEANT BUSTY BLONDE

 

I SEE YOU’VE STOPPED WEARING BLACK

 

SOME GHOUL MADE OFF WITH MY FAMILY JEWELS

 

GOT BEHIND THE WHEEL PICKLED
ENDED UP EMBALMED

 

I SUCK AT HIDE AND SEEK

 

FAILED TO LAUNCH FOR 37 YEARS
FINALLY HAVE MY OWN SPACE

 

A NECROPHILIAC JUMPED MY BONES

 

I’LL BE HOME FOR HALLOWEEN

 

WHY BOTHER TO GET AHEAD IN LIFE
WHEN YOU ONLY GET A HEADSTONE IN THE END

 

GUN NUT
SHELLED

 

WAITING TO HELP BREAK
THE WORLD RECORD
FOR A ZOMBIE WALK

 

DEATH DID US PART
RGHT AFTER HER KNIFE DID ITS

 

FORGOT ALL ABOUT
THE PRODUCT RECALL

 

BULLIES FOR ME

 

EVERYBODY ENDS UP
IN PERMANENT DETENTION
AT THE GRAVEYARD SCHOOL

 

FREE LOVE
COST ME DEARLY

 

MADE A CRY FOR HELP
MAYBE SHOULD’VE TRIED
A DULLER RAZOR

 

THE CARETAKER NEVER CLOSES HIS BLINDS

 

RAW DEAL
A STAMPEDE ON BLACK FRIDAY
LEFT ME IN THE RED

 

GENEALOGISTS RUB ME THE WRONG WAY

 

 

RUNAWAY BRIDE
SHOTGUN WEDDING

 

THE MANICURING CANDIDATE

 

COPD OUT
A COUGHIN’ FIT
FIT ME FOR A COFFIN

 

JUST CAN’T WARM UP TO YOU

 

SOMETIMES WHISTLING PAST THE GRAVEYARD
IS MISTAKEN FOR A CATCALL

 

GAME OVER
NOBODY WINS AT TOE TAG

 

 

HERE LIES
ARE NEVER EXPOSED

 

RUINING MY BEST SUIT

 

SWOON SONG
SERENADED BY THE BANSHEE

 

I SAID I WANTED TO BE YOUTHANIZED!

 

ABUSED MY WIFE IRIS ONCE TOO OFTEN
HEREAFTER REDUCED TO PUSHING DAISIES

 

FORMER CONTORTIONIST
KISSED MY ASS GOODBYE