The following is an ongoing list of imaginary tombstone inscriptions that I have composed. These bits of pseudo-posthumous black humor aren’t intended to offend, but instead try to express some healthy irreverence towards our inevitable demise. So I hope you can find some laughs in these epitaphs…
FEELING REALLY BLOATED
SO LONG, HAD A BLASTOMA
DIED A VIRGIN
GOT LAID HERE
DAMN SATANISTS, GET OFF MY LAWN!
THIS GRAVE IS ANCIENT
BUT STILL HAS THE BODY OF A FIFTY-YEAR-OLD
SIMPLE PROCEDURE, MY ASS
HERE IN MARBLE TOWN
WE’RE ALL PILLARS OF THE COMMUNITY
COCAINE ADDICT
RECEIVED MORTAL BLOW
TROUBLE THINKING INSIDE THE BOX
OPEN TERRITORY FOR THE CONQUEROR WORM
AND STILL YOU ARE WALKING ALL OVER ME
REPORTS OF MY DEATH ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED
CAN YOU DIG IT?
THE MORTICIAN TOUCHED ME INAPPROPRIATELY
PLOT SPOILER BELOW!
COMPLETE
CASKET CASE
TIRED OF ALL THIS DOWN TIME
SO HOW DOES GAME OF THRONES END?
UPSKIRT SHOTS
ARE ALL THAT I
HAVE TO LOOK
FORWARD TO
THESE DAYS
DON’T WORRY, THIS PLACE PICKS UP AFTER MIDNIGHT
STARVING ARTIST
FINALLY GOT FED UP
SOMEBODY UPDATE MY FACEBOOK STATUS
HEY BUDDY, GOT A LIGHT?
THOUGHT FEMME FATALE
MEANT BUSTY BLONDE
I SEE YOU’VE STOPPED WEARING BLACK
SOME GHOUL MADE OFF WITH MY FAMILY JEWELS
GOT BEHIND THE WHEEL PICKLED
ENDED UP EMBALMED
I SUCK AT HIDE AND SEEK
FAILED TO LAUNCH FOR 37 YEARS
FINALLY HAVE MY OWN SPACE
A NECROPHILIAC JUMPED MY BONES
I’LL BE HOME FOR HALLOWEEN
LABORED TO GET AHEAD IN LIFE
EARNED A HEADSTONE IN THE END
GUN NUT
SHELLED
WAITING TO HELP BREAK
THE WORLD RECORD
FOR A ZOMBIE WALK
DEATH DID US PART
RGHT AFTER HER KNIFE DID ITS
FORGOT ALL ABOUT
THE PRODUCT RECALL
BULLIES FOR ME
EVERYBODY ENDS UP
IN PERMANENT DETENTION
AT THE GRAVEYARD SCHOOL
FREE LOVE
COST ME DEARLY
JUST A CUTTER
BUT THE SAFETY RAZOR
GAVE ME TETANUS
THE CARETAKER NEVER CLOSES HIS BLINDS
RAW DEAL
A STAMPEDE ON BLACK FRIDAY
LEFT ME IN THE RED
GENEALOGISTS RUB ME THE WRONG WAY
RUNAWAY BRIDE
SHOTGUN WEDDING
THE MANICURING CANDIDATE
COPD OUT
A COUGHIN’ FIT
FIT ME FOR A COFFIN
JUST CAN’T WARM UP TO YOU
SOMETIMES WHISTLING PAST THE GRAVEYARD
IS MISTAKEN FOR A CATCALL
GAME OVER
NOBODY WINS AT TOE TAG
HERE LIES
ARE NEVER EXPOSED
RUINING MY BEST SUIT
SWOON SONG
SERENADED BY THE BANSHEE
I SAID I WANTED TO BE YOUTHANIZED!
ABUSED MY WIFE IRIS ONCE TOO OFTEN
HEREAFTER REDUCED TO PUSHING DAISIES
FORMER CONTORTIONIST
KISSED MY ASS GOODBYE
BOXHOLE ATHEIST
MY FAMILY ALWAYS HOUNDED ME TO EXERCISE MORE
NOW THEY HAVE ME ROLLING OVER EVERY DAY
#CADAVER
AND I THOUGHT
MY LIVING SPACE
WAS TOO CRAMPED
JUST TAKING A LITTLE DIRT NAP
WAKE ME WHEN IT’S THE END TIMES
LIFE’S A BITCH
DEATH’S A DITCH
AN EXERCISE IN FATALITY
DERRING-DO DID ME IN
SITE VISITS TRACKED
SOLELY BY FOOTPRINT
APPALLED BY
THE CHOICE OF
PALLBEARERS
THE ROTTEN TRUTH
FORMALDEHYDE IS ONLY A QUICK FIX
STYX IN MY CRAW
BROKE DOWN ON LIFE’S JOURNEY
GOT STUCK IN GOD’S ACRE
THE ALPINE VIEW WAS SUBLIME
BUT THAT AVALANCHE WAS
TRULY BREATHTAKING
DEADPAN ALL MY LIFE
NOW CAN’T HELP BUT FLASH
A TOOTHY GRIN
BORED TO DEATH
SOUGHT THRILL IN PAMPLONA
GORED TO DEATH
CHARNEL No. 5
NOTHINGNESS
IS WRITTEN IN STONE
THE SIGN SAID “DO NOT PASS”
I DID, AND DID
THE DEATHWATCH
WAS A KNOCKOFF
NEVER PAYS TO BE
THE CENTER OF ATTENTION
AT A NECKTIE PARTY
SWITCHED FROM SURVIVOR
TO AMERICAN IDLE
BEST BY 12/6/97
TRADED TO THE ANGELS
AND IMMEDIATELY DEMOTED
ANGRY MOB HIT
CAN’T BLAME ME FOR DYING
WHY DID I PUT SKYDIVING
ON MY BUCKET LIST?
THAT EULOGY LEFT ME SPEECHLESS
I WOULD KILL FOR
A NEW PILLOW
PATHOLOGICAL LIER
GALLOWS HUMORIST
DREW QUITE A CROWD
YET HAD MY ACT DROPPED
SCYTHE MATTERS
NO ONE MEASURES UP TO THE REAPER
NO LONGER FLUENT IN BODY LANGUAGE
THESE FIELDS ARE HARDLY ELYSIAN
ANOTHER MERE PLAYER
ADDED TO THE CAST OF
SIX FEET UNDER
CRASH DIETER
STOPPED OBSESSING OVER
THE WEIGH OF ALL FLESH
THE BIG SLEEP
IS THE
LEAST REFRESHING
FORMER FUGITIVE
FORCED TO HOLE UP DOWN HERE
NOT STRAIGHT LAID
JUST MORBID-CURIOUS
GAVE UP THE GHOST
AT A HAUNTED ATTRACTION
DEATH, TAKE PRIDE
DONNE DONE LIED
IN EARTH
INERT
DIED WHILE IN
THE THROES OF A THREESOME
THE MEANS DIDN’T JUSTIFY THE END
A DOSE OF SNAKE OIL
BROUGHT ME TO HEEL
TEN TOES UP
FEATS DON’T AVAIL ME NOW
NO SUCH THING AS A SEALED COFFIN
THE VERMIN SQUIRM IN
WHEN IT COMES TO THE DANSE MACABRE
WE ARE ALL SUCH STIFFS