The following is an ongoing list of imaginary tombstone inscriptions that I have composed. These bits of pseudo-posthumous black humor aren’t intended to offend, but instead try to express some healthy irreverence towards our inevitable demise. So I hope you can find some laughs in these epitaphs…

 

FEELING REALLY BLOATED

 

SO LONG, HAD A BLASTOMA

 

DIED A VIRGIN
GOT LAID HERE

 

DAMN SATANISTS, GET OFF MY LAWN!

 

THIS GRAVE IS ANCIENT
BUT STILL HAS THE BODY OF A FIFTY-YEAR-OLD

 

SIMPLE PROCEDURE, MY ASS

 

HERE IN MARBLE TOWN
WE’RE ALL PILLARS OF THE COMMUNITY

 

COCAINE ADDICT
RECEIVED MORTAL BLOW

 

TROUBLE THINKING INSIDE THE BOX

 

OPEN TERRITORY FOR THE CONQUEROR WORM

 

AND STILL YOU ARE WALKING ALL OVER ME

 

REPORTS OF MY DEATH ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED

 

CAN YOU DIG IT?

 

 

THE MORTICIAN TOUCHED ME INAPPROPRIATELY

 

PLOT SPOILER BELOW!

 

COMPLETE
CASKET CASE

 

TIRED OF ALL THIS DOWN TIME

 

SO HOW DOES GAME OF THRONES END?

 

UPSKIRT SHOTS
ARE ALL THAT I
HAVE TO LOOK
FORWARD TO
THESE DAYS

 

DON’T WORRY, THIS PLACE PICKS UP AFTER MIDNIGHT

 

STARVING ARTIST
FINALLY GOT FED UP

 

SOMEBODY UPDATE MY FACEBOOK STATUS

 

HEY BUDDY, GOT A LIGHT?

 

 

THOUGHT FEMME FATALE
MEANT BUSTY BLONDE

 

I SEE YOU’VE STOPPED WEARING BLACK

 

SOME GHOUL MADE OFF WITH MY FAMILY JEWELS

 

GOT BEHIND THE WHEEL PICKLED
ENDED UP EMBALMED

 

I SUCK AT HIDE AND SEEK

 

FAILED TO LAUNCH FOR 37 YEARS
FINALLY HAVE MY OWN SPACE

 

A NECROPHILIAC JUMPED MY BONES

 

I’LL BE HOME FOR HALLOWEEN

 

LABORED TO GET AHEAD IN LIFE
EARNED A HEADSTONE IN THE END

 

GUN NUT
SHELLED

 

WAITING TO HELP BREAK
THE WORLD RECORD
FOR A ZOMBIE WALK

 

DEATH DID US PART
RGHT AFTER HER KNIFE DID ITS

 

FORGOT ALL ABOUT
THE PRODUCT RECALL

 

BULLIES FOR ME

 

EVERYBODY ENDS UP
IN PERMANENT DETENTION
AT THE GRAVEYARD SCHOOL

 

FREE LOVE
COST ME DEARLY

 

JUST A CUTTER
BUT THE SAFETY RAZOR
GAVE ME TETANUS

 

THE CARETAKER NEVER CLOSES HIS BLINDS

 

RAW DEAL
A STAMPEDE ON BLACK FRIDAY
LEFT ME IN THE RED

 

GENEALOGISTS RUB ME THE WRONG WAY

 

 

RUNAWAY BRIDE
SHOTGUN WEDDING

 

THE MANICURING CANDIDATE

 

COPD OUT
A COUGHIN’ FIT
FIT ME FOR A COFFIN

 

JUST CAN’T WARM UP TO YOU

 

SOMETIMES WHISTLING PAST THE GRAVEYARD
IS MISTAKEN FOR A CATCALL

 

GAME OVER
NOBODY WINS AT TOE TAG

 

 

HERE LIES
ARE NEVER EXPOSED

 

RUINING MY BEST SUIT

 

SWOON SONG
SERENADED BY THE BANSHEE

 

I SAID I WANTED TO BE YOUTHANIZED!

 

ABUSED MY WIFE IRIS ONCE TOO OFTEN
HEREAFTER REDUCED TO PUSHING DAISIES

 

FORMER CONTORTIONIST
KISSED MY ASS GOODBYE

 

BOXHOLE ATHEIST

 

MY FAMILY ALWAYS HOUNDED ME TO EXERCISE MORE
NOW THEY HAVE ME ROLLING OVER EVERY DAY

 

#CADAVER

 

AND I THOUGHT
MY LIVING SPACE
WAS TOO CRAMPED

 

JUST TAKING A LITTLE DIRT NAP
WAKE ME WHEN IT’S THE END TIMES

 

LIFE’S A BITCH
DEATH’S A DITCH

 

AN EXERCISE IN FATALITY
DERRING-DO DID ME IN

 

SITE VISITS TRACKED
SOLELY BY FOOTPRINT

 

APPALLED BY
THE CHOICE OF
PALLBEARERS

 

THE ROTTEN TRUTH
FORMALDEHYDE IS ONLY A QUICK FIX

 

STYX IN MY CRAW

 

 

BROKE DOWN ON LIFE’S JOURNEY
GOT STUCK IN GOD’S ACRE

 

THE ALPINE VIEW WAS SUBLIME
BUT THAT AVALANCHE WAS
TRULY BREATHTAKING

 

DEADPAN ALL MY LIFE
NOW CAN’T HELP BUT FLASH
A TOOTHY GRIN

 

BORED TO DEATH
SOUGHT THRILL IN PAMPLONA
GORED TO DEATH

 

CHARNEL No. 5

 

NOTHINGNESS
IS WRITTEN IN STONE

 

THE SIGN SAID “DO NOT PASS”
I DID, AND DID

 

THE DEATHWATCH
WAS A KNOCKOFF

 

NEVER PAYS TO BE
THE CENTER OF ATTENTION
AT A NECKTIE PARTY

 

SWITCHED FROM SURVIVOR
TO AMERICAN IDLE

 

 

BEST BY 12/6/97

 

TRADED TO THE ANGELS
AND IMMEDIATELY DEMOTED

 

ANGRY MOB HIT
CAN’T BLAME ME FOR DYING

 

WHY DID I PUT SKYDIVING
ON MY BUCKET LIST?

 

THAT EULOGY LEFT ME SPEECHLESS

 

I WOULD KILL FOR
A NEW PILLOW

 

PATHOLOGICAL LIER

 

GALLOWS HUMORIST
DREW QUITE A CROWD
YET HAD MY ACT DROPPED

 

 

SCYTHE MATTERS
NO ONE MEASURES UP TO THE REAPER

 

NO LONGER FLUENT IN BODY LANGUAGE

 

THESE FIELDS ARE HARDLY ELYSIAN

 

ANOTHER MERE PLAYER
ADDED TO THE CAST OF
SIX FEET UNDER

 

CRASH DIETER
STOPPED OBSESSING OVER
THE WEIGH OF ALL FLESH

 

THE BIG SLEEP
IS THE
LEAST REFRESHING

 

FORMER FUGITIVE
FORCED TO HOLE UP DOWN HERE

 

NOT STRAIGHT LAID
JUST MORBID-CURIOUS

 

GAVE UP THE GHOST
AT A HAUNTED ATTRACTION

 

DEATH, TAKE PRIDE
DONNE DONE LIED

 

IN EARTH
INERT

 

DIED WHILE IN
THE THROES OF A THREESOME
THE MEANS DIDN’T JUSTIFY THE END

 

A DOSE OF SNAKE OIL
BROUGHT ME TO HEEL

 

TEN TOES UP
FEATS DON’T AVAIL ME NOW

 

NO SUCH THING AS A SEALED COFFIN
THE VERMIN SQUIRM IN

 

WHEN IT COMES TO THE DANSE MACABRE
WE ARE ALL SUCH STIFFS